Broken Soul
by Starving For Attention
Summary: [A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints] My birth name is Antonio. But many people here recognize me as the town psychopath. I'm a pretty screwed up kid, to tell you the truth. And that's just who I am. [WARNING Severe Language]


**I know, you're saying "What the heck is AGTRYS?"**

It's 'A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints,' but you really don't need to know much about the movie to read this. I haven't even seen the movie, and I'm writing this.

It's written in Antonio's POV, and if you're wondering who he is, the story will explain it. The story basically focuses around his life.

I got the inspiration to write this by watching the trailer to the movie, watching a clip from it, and reading interviews with Channing about his role. Antonio is a character that I truly connected to, more than any other character I've ever encountered in my entire life. I can't help but feel this strong sympathy for him and his situation, and I have this strong urge to justify his actions with the story of his life, even though some if it may not be true.

**Warning: This contains pervasive language. Meaning, a lot. But that's Antonio for you.  
**

My birth name is Antonio. But many people here recognize me as the town psychopath. One look at me, and I'd bet that you'd agree with them.

I barely spend any time at home. In fact, lately, I pretty much avoid going home at all costs. I can't even consider it home anymore. It's just the place where my biological father lives. And I say _biological _father because I don't consider that bastard my dad. My best friend Dito's dad is more of a father to me than my real dad will ever be. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'm a pretty fucked up kid, to tell you the truth and I'm probably one of the most violent hot-headed impulsive guys you'll ever meet. When people in Astoria hear the name "Antonio," they automatically jump to conclusions and think "fight." I can't help it. If you piss me off, chances are you'll walk away with a broken bone and a fucked up face. It's just the way I am.

You'd think that I get all the cuts and bruises and shit on my face from fighting people, right?

Wrong.

See, the reason I'm hardly ever at "home" is _because_ of my father. To him, everything that goes wrong is my fault. If he has a bad day at work, he'll come home, get plastered off his ass, then beat me down like a human punching bag. It's become a routine thing for him. Sure, I can try to hold him back, or get out of his way, but if I were to ever fight back, I might as well move in with Dito, check into the nearest hospital, and enroll in the fucking witness protection program. And people wonder where I get all this bottled up anger and need for violence from. . . .

My mother is dead. _He_ killed her, a couple years back. He played it off as an accident, and the son of a bitch got away with it. My brother Giuseppe bought into it, but I knew better. I never looked at him the same way after that day.

Giuseppe is dead too. Surprise, surprise. I knew he was pretty much insane to begin with, but one day he just cracked and threw himself in front of a train. He's a fucking idiot, what more can I say?

I don't have many role models in life. Not even my mom or dad. They were never that involved in my life, and I don't even think they really cared about me. The only person that's been keeping me from going off and killing someone - or getting killed, for that matter - is Dito.

I'm telling you, if it wasn't for that kid, I don't know where I'd be right now. Probably in jail. Or dead, like my first class fuck up of a brother.

Dito's dad, Monty, too. He's like the father I never had. My rock. For the most part, he's the one that keeps me grounded. I don't know what I'd do without him.

But even with them there to guide me, I'm _still_ a total screw up. I have no idea what I want to do, who I want to be. As of right now, I'm nobody. And it doesn't look like I'll be changing that status anytime soon.

Most people view me as this screwed up, psychopathic violent kid that just struts around town with his buddies, picking fights, going nowhere, being nothing. Honestly, it's not that far off from the truth. But I just wish that they could see _some_ potential in me, have some **faith** in me. And I wish I had the willpower to change for the better.

The only problem is, my life and the way I live it is all I've ever known.

I'm never going to leave this town. I know, deep down, that no matter how hard I try, I'll never amount to anything. I'll never be anyone. I'm just a waste of time and space.

And right now, I'm okay with that.

No one really wants me to change. No one really expects me to change. And no one thinks I **can** change. So why should I try?

I don't even know why I bother. No one I know gives two fucks about me. Except Dito. But he's not doing much better than me anyway.

I've thought about suicide. Not just the physical "I want to murder myself so it'll all be over" suicide, but even doing something major that'll land me in jail and out of trouble. But of course, I never follow through. Besides, I doubt that I'd have to consciously do something wrong to land my ass in prison. It's bound to happen sooner or later anyway.

Physically, I feel like I can do anything. I'm superman. But _my _problem is, I'm emotionally unstable. I could be perfectly fine one minute, and then someone will do something that flips a switch in my head, and they'll end up on the floor. I can't control myself.

I'm not trying to tell you the sad sob story of this poor little pathetic fuck up of a teenage boy. No. But everyone I come across seems to have some sort of opinion about me, they judge the book by its cover. And this is my side of the story.

You don't need to tell me to get my shit together and make something of myself. You don't need to remind me that shit like this happens every day, and that people stronger than me - better than me - make it through okay. I already know that.

But like I said before, no one gives a fuck about what happens to the hot-headed loud mouth violent psychopathic town fuck up. I have absolutely zero motivation to get my ass in gear and make a change. Over the years, I've come to realize that no matter how hard I try, I'll never be anything.

I'm a fucking piece of shit. And that's just who I am.

**Let me know what you think, please.**


End file.
